Oh, the Caesar Twins. How do I even begin writing this review? There’s nothing I could say here that could possibly capture the inane cheesiness of their act… but I’ll try.
As with half the stuff I end up seeing in London, I first saw an ad for the Caesar Twins as I was waiting to reach the top of a tube station escalator. I have to admit, they looked hot, and I was in the mood for some hunky half-naked acrobatics. Especially as it involved them splashing around in a giant Plexiglas “fishbowl” on stage.
I had seen acts of this type before. In Zumanity, the “risque” Cirque du Soleil show in Las Vegas, they have two “lesbians” (ie: two woman who dance erotically together) swimming around in a big Plexiglas fishbowl. And in Mystere, another Cirque show up the street (there are 4-5 of them now in Vegas), they have an act called “Hand to Hand”, which is basically two “twin” bodybuilders who stand on stage alone together and balance off each other in the most homoerotic display of gymnastics you’ll ever see.
So basically, I was expecting a combination of those two things, and maybe a few other Cirque-y things as well. I guess I don’t have to tell you that the audience was half middle-aged gay men, half middle-aged straight women, and us. It’s still better than your average Cirque audience in Vegas, full of elderly midwesterners and their grandchildren who wish they had gotten tickets for Lance Burton instead. Incidentally, the venue for the London show was the Comedy Theatre. All too appropriate, as it turned out.
So, the show begins… 15 minutes late. And it begins with slideshow images of the twins (Pablo and Pierre, by the way) looking as Abercrombie as possible. After another 15 minuts of loud annoying new-agey music, we finally get the twins (fully clothed, dammit) doing a sort of comedy act where they text-message each other from computers at opposite ends of the stage. It was neither funny nor acrobatic nor nude, so I lost interest.
More loud music and video graphics that look like something out of a The Matrix screensaver announce “Stage 1”, and we go into the acrobatics part of the show, which is okay, but nothing to write home about. You quickly learn that the twins are “cute” but not really “sexy”. In fact, their act would probably work better if performed by a trio of 12-year-old Chinese girls instead. But hey.
The show was officially billed as The Caesar Twins and Friends. Somewhere around “Stage 3”, we meet the “friends”: a pudgy guy who’s there basically as a stagehand, and a slender woman who apparently operates under the delusion that she can sing. I can’t remember what she was attempting to sing. It sounded like it was somewhere between Enya and Celine Dion (with a nod to Florence Foster Jenkins)… a musical no-man’s-land I’d never wish on my worst enemy.
As the show labored on… “Stage 5”, “Stage 6”, “Stage 7”, I began to realize that cool, sexy acrobatic acts which are amazing to watch for five minutes as a small part of a larger variety show… well, they don’t hold up well on their own. By the time the fishbowl got wheeled on stage (“Stage XVIII”, I think it was), my immediate thought was: they better get buck-ass naked in there.
Sadly, it was not to be. Even though they were wearing white pants that looked like the were made of shredded Weetabix dipped in plaster (I was kinda hoping the pants would dissolve in the water.), not a stitch of clothing came off, ever. What a ripoff!
But the “best” parts of the show (which is to say the worst parts of the show) were… an extended “interpretive dance” combined with video that allowed us to relive the real-life moment when one of the twins fell 50 feet during a stunt and was told he’d never walk again, so we get to “see” brother helping brother re-learn how to walk (although it looked more like “Acting 101: Intro to Mime”).
And the “best of the best”… a real-life Mortal Kombat-style video-game sequence, where in the twins dressed up in colorful ninja gear and did mock streetfighting moves, complete the actual video game mimicing ther moves projected above, and cheesy 80’s videogame sound-effects. Whap! Whap! Whap! Ka-pow! Now, if one brother had reached into the other’s chest cavity, pulled out his still-beating heart, raised it over his head and shouted “Fatality!”… that would’ve been something to see.
More info: The Caesar Twins